I say it every year, and I’ll say it again. I can’t believe the year is already over. 2022 was the year of growth, new beginnings and self-realization. Without getting too poetic, I sincerely do believe that I’ve learnt so many new things this year, had experiences I never thought I’d have, discovered new mindsets and perspectives and obviously met some inspiring people along the way.
I present to you, my 2022 in a nutshell. *drumroll*
College - end of a decade, the start of an age
14th March 2022. I’m sitting in the college classroom for the first time, feeling a little awkward and out of place. It felt similar to the first day at a new school…except it didn’t. These people, my classmates, weren’t strangers. Over the past two years, I had collaborated with these guys on projects and we had helped each other with assignments. But in online mode, you only get a very single-dimensional view of a person. I was in the middle ground where I was familiar with their faces, and their names, but I didn’t really know them. Nevertheless, I had a few people I gravitated to immediately, and they comprise my friend group to date.
The first month was a time of exploration. Amritapuri truly is a beautiful place. The sort of place that inspires poetry to the tongues of even the least poetic people. Serene backwaters, lush greenery, sunsets by the beach. We would spend the two hours after class got over, discovering these nooks and crannies, chilling by the seashore, and being pretentious food critics at different cafes. Every day was a new adventure. Though I wasn’t necessarily conscious of it at the time that was a very chaotic period. It was as though we were on a mission to make up for the time we lost to the pandemic.
Fast forward a month, and it feels like we’ve been friends forever. Whatever awkwardness was initially there melted away like ice cream on a hot summer day. Classes have started full-fledged-ly. The difference between online and offline classes was dramatic, to say the least. Now we had a fixed schedule. If you don’t listen during class, you don’t get to watch the recorded session later whenever you want. That took some getting used to.
Another thing I struggled with was my declining grades. In online mode, I was easily able to manage all my extra-curricular activities alongside my academics with no struggle. In fact, I had so much time I didn’t even know what to do with all that. But once things moved offline, time management became a real struggle. Between classes, club and hostel I was being stretched too thin. I felt myself on the verge of burnout. It felt like I was doing double the work for half the output.
We would spend the two hours after class got over, discovering these nooks and crannies, chilling by the seashore, and being pretentious food critics at different cafes.
Through the looking glass
I was approached by one of my professors with an interesting opportunity. A chance to work with him, another professor and a few research scholars on a research project. Until then, I had never seriously considered the prospect of research. I wasn’t sure what exactly the experience would be like. I talked to my professors, got some insight and decided that this might be something I would enjoy. Well, only one way to find out…
So I signed up for the project, and we started work almost immediately. Initially, I was hit with quite a few steep learning curves. Familiarizing myself with the basics of DL and computer vision. Until that point, my only experience in ML was a few courses as part of my college curriculum. But with the help of some amazing online resources and my faculty guides, I was soon able to gain familiarity with these concepts.
And that’s when the real research started. I must say, it was very different from what I thought it would be like. Far more challenging, but even more rewarding. We spent almost a month, just reading all the other work published in the same domain. And another month, formulating our problem statement. There were moments during that time when I felt frustrated that things were moving so slowly, but now in retrospect, I’m able to appreciate how much I learnt during that period.
Fear of/and Failure
Knowingly or unknowingly, most of us are uncomfortable acknowledging our failure, because as Freddie Mercury puts it, “The human condition requires a bit of anaesthesia.” That’s probably why I love the song Bohemian Rhapsody(other than its funky beats). It speaks to everyone who’s ever struggled to face their own frailties.
I’ve always had a mindset that if I do something, it should be done to perfection. Otherwise, what’s the point of doing it at all? This mindset was heavily challenged this year. I learnt to appreciate the beauty of doing things imperfectly but passionately. It’s better to have put in my full effort and still come short of the finish line than to have never ran the race at all.
Nobody is better than anybody, we’re all just at different points in our individual paths.
Feeling like a fraud
Getting to campus, another realization that hit me was how cool everyone is. Everyone was so smart and proactive and working on some or the other fancy internship or project. At one point I simply felt like I wasn’t good enough to be there among such talented people. I felt as though I wasn’t deserving of the opportunities I was given. I felt like a fraud. Luckily, I wasn’t alone in how I was feeling. Even Albert Einstein, purportedly admitted, “The exaggerated esteem in which my lifework is held makes me very ill at ease. I feel compelled to think of myself as an involuntary swindler.”
But like all things, this feeling wasn’t permanent. Talking to some amazing people helped me realise how we’re all just students trying to figure our stuff out and do something meaningful. Nobody is better than anybody, we’re all just at different points in our individual paths.
If you feel like an imposter, you’re in good company. The symptomatic feelings of inadequacy are manageable with time and practice, but they may never subside altogether. And that’s okay. Professor Benno Teschke says, “Self-doubt is part of being human. I worry when I see people who appear to be completely confident – I think they generally are not very empathetic.” It’s important to leave room for humility and empathy. They beget authenticity. Besides, is there anything more antithetical to an imposter?
New Year’s musings
As we approach New Year’s Eve, everyone is asking “What’s the plan for the 31st?” There are two types of people this New Year’s: those who have no plans and those who have small plans at home. And I’m all for it. If there’s one good thing that came out of 2020 (apart from Dua Lipa), it is that we don’t need New Year’s Eve parties anymore. We didn’t need it in 2020 and we won’t need it in 2022, or 2050.
On a serious note, I’m excited about the new year. I’m not expecting anything dramatic to happen when the clock strikes 12, but nevertheless, 2023 brings with it the promise of fresh starts and new opportunities. What does 2023 have to offer? I don’t know, and in some ways, that’s the beauty of it.
